How to find a new perspective???

Once upon a time, I was an extremely happy person. Overly happy. Probably to a fault. To be honest, then, I really didn't have a lot to be happy about. I was a lonely teenager, who was so socially awkward that I would rather stay home on a Friday night and read a book than "go out." I always wore a smile on my face. Perhaps, I really wasn't happy merely pretending to be happy--to smile and hope that smile is contagious thus the smile would bounce back to me for my own few moments of happiness. I wish I could say that I outgrew that social awkwardness, but I didn't. I'm still that scared little girl who questions whether or not the person two tables away is "talking about me" or if someone is upset with me for not "helping" enough (I question this even if I arrive early to set up then stay late to clean up--above and beyond what is needed). Yes, I know how ridiculous it sounds. At one point in my life, I didn't care what others thought about me. I didn't judge others, nor did I want want others had. Somewhere along the way, that changed. I became this petty person who begs for attention like a two year old--a green person who longs for what others have even if it's not really what I want....just what I "think" I want at the moment. Basically, this sad pathetic existence.
Somehow, I need to figure out how to change my perspective on life. Change how I view others. I'm struggling with how to make these types of changes. It's not like I can wave my magical wand and Poof! I'm that great person I used to be. The more I think about it the more I think I need to take a step back to where I started to turn over to the green side. Where I fell off my sunny side of life to the dark barren wasteland. I believe I need to continue my journey back in time to find where and when I fell and didn't quite get back up. The scrapes and bruises are still there with the caked on mud that pulled me down. I need a shower. Does any one have any soap?

Perfect mommies???

The last few days, I've been reading a bunch of mommy blogs. Some are really funny, others offer great advice. I notice there is one thing missing from them all. None of the blogs mention having children with out of control behavior or worse having a child who is in the juvenile court system. I wonder why that is. Is it because the mommy or parent is ashamed their child has been "though the system?" Or is it the shame of others thinking that blogger is a bad parent thus cannot give advice? Now, if I'm being perfectly honest, I don't read the blogs for advice. My kids will probably not like many of the crafts nor will I be able to use them in my 4-H club (although, won't stop me from trying a few of them). 
 I admit with my first and maybe even my second, it was great to brag about their first happenings (steps, teeth, ect.) but by the third and fourth....I was kinda over it. My kids will attest to that and there is evidence of it in their scrapbooks. Alex has 2 very full books, Mathew has just filled his first...and sadly, I haven't really put anything in the twins' books. 



Here is my quandary: Are there any mommies out there who are having issues with their kids behaviors to the point that either: a) a therapist was brought in or b)they are classified as juvenile delinquents? 

 It just appears to me that many of the mommy blogs are upper middle class who have the time and resources to give their kids the nicer things in life. Not that it a bad thing....not in the least. I guess more of my issue is the lack of struggle with being a parent. We all lose our top and say or do something stupid. I must admit, I have many, many times. I always feel the thee worst parent on the planet. 

Maybe it's just me....I want to be able to read about not the small mishaps of a toddler during the potty-training phase. I really, really don't want to know about that! Eeekks!! Those horribly awkward tween and teen years where you have lost every bit of respect from that cute freckled face kid who used to give lots, and lots of hugs and kisses with fresh "I love you mommy" who has turned into a braced mouthy, pimple faced teen who lovingly tells you, "I HATE you!" Where are those blogs? Maybe I'm just running across the mommies with kids that are still in that cute and cuddly phase. I need to find the mommies from the wretched teen phase. 




A note to mommies with younger ones: cherish every little kiss and hug....every cuddly moment you can....eventually they grow out of it. Oh how I miss the cute phase.  

Peace at last

Wow, what a day!

 I wish I could say that today was hectic due to visiting family and friends or because I was cleaning up a storm. Nope. It was hectic and crazy on a whole new level today because of my three younger boys. My nine year old twins were just a bundle of hyperness today. So much so that I was having an awful time keeping up with them. My 12 year old Mathew is just an emotional lil guy. He takes everything personally and to heart. He has this inner sense of justice. He feels everything must be done a certain way or it is wrong. If the wrong is not corrected, the world will come to a crashing holt. If he was a girl, he would be a total meltdown drama queen personality too. Sadly, when Tim gets to his breaking point he says that. Then later has to rebut the statement. 

An hour before bed, the boys found Toy Story 3 on Disney Channel. They curled up on the sofa and watched tv with me. It was very serene. Reminded me of when they were toddlers. The twins would grab their blankets and cuddle with me. I didn't realize how much I missed their cuddle-time...till tonight. 

The sounds of their voices

I feel like a horrible mother today.
 Every time, I hear my boys voices--even their laughter. I want to scream. Maybe it's because they are being extremely loud today. Maybe it's because they are playing with every loud and obnoxious toy they own--also causing the dog to bark nonstop. Maybe I'm just a horrible person today. I don't know. I do know that part of the issue is they have this sense of entitlement especially my twins. They think that everything in the house also belongs to them, thus they should be allowed to play and use whatever they want. It completely unnerves me. It's worse when they attempt to bully me into allowing them to play or use the electronics in the house--or worse they just starting using these items such the Playstation 3 or the desktop computer, or my cell phone. All for gaming--not educational purposes.   

Is it too much to ask for children to earn their privileges? I didn't think that was too much to ask. Although, I can't complain too much about that because when I reminded the twins of their chores, they hopped right on it. They completed them in record time. I just wish they would complete their chore before they think about playing games. 

I might be asking too much from them. 

Challenges of a new path

I used to love starting a new adventure. Not knowing where you will go or what lies ahead, but as I'm getting older, I'm learning that I don't like to play it by ear anymore. No, I would rather have things planned out. Have a back up plan--a plan B, C, D, and sometimes even E. Things worked out better for me and our family when I had a plan. Grant it, now I know that when I made the plans, it made my husband feel insignificant and de-masculinized. I started doing more things his way. Well, his way is fly by the seat of your pants and pray to God that everything works out. Yeah. Well, I decided that we are going to start to plan things out. I will work hard to not make plans and decide things for him but to discuss it before hand. 

I attempted this tonight. I talked to Tim about how he was going to work through his schooling issues. He told me his plan. He's going to talk to the professor about his grade and the lack of communication. See if the prof will allow him to take the quizzes again. I doubt this will happen. I used to work with his prof and this guy is a genuine asshole. He thinks the world revolves around his class. He is a gift to higher education because he worked the private sector for a number of years before becoming a prof. I don't think Tim will get anywhere with him. That's Tim's plan A.
Plan B is to speak with his adviser (who is also the Director of the Criminal Justice Program) about what to do and Tim prays that Bob will make an exception or help him in some other way. Bob may try but I don't think Bob will make an exception--not even for one of his favorite students. Bob is a great guy and he does make exceptions (he has for Tim in the past, but this isn't like changing a high D to a solid C). This would be like changing an F to a solid C or making an exception to the V170 course for graduation requirements. I honestly don't see either one happening. I think Tim's Plan B is shot too. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to rain on his parade. But I can already feel the drizzle from other people. I hope, beyond all hope that one of those tactics work. But let's be realistic here...that's making quite an exception for some pretty crappy work. 

Tim did listen to the few plans, I can up with. He said that if neither of his plans work, he will figure out which one of my many plans, he will use. At least, he listened to what I had to say. I wasn't pushy. Believe me, that is a first for me. 

Now, we wait. Wait for Monday when either Bob gets back with Tim or Tim calls Financial Aid to figure out what his options are.   

a difficult situation

Alright, my last post was all about my husband's graduation situation. After speaking with my friend, I realized Tim has many options. He can look into a Political Science minor or a financial forensic investigator minor ...or re-take a few classes he got low grades on. Anyway, he has options. He just needs to look into what he wants to do. I pray everything will work out soon. 
I need it to anyway.

a very bumpy month

This was supposed to be the last semester of schooling for my husband. Now, it doesn't look as if that is going to happen. When we added his points for the semester, he didn't have enough to pass the course which means he will not graduate. I think we should find a plan B, but Tim is wallowing over the fact that he didn't follow my advice about this course. I know he feels like I'm saying "I told ya, so" but I'm not. I just want to find a solution to this problem. 
I'm starting to think this all might be a blessing in disguise. He can pick up a minor in Forensic business investigations. This will open up another area of work for him. He will be able to work in banks, insurance companies, and retail stores. He could work loss prevention in retail stores or fraud detection for banks and insurance companies. 

Tim seems very hesitant about this whole thing. I know the largest reason for his hesitation is because he's tired of being in school. He just wants to get out into the workforce.  He thinks that having a job at the same time as finishing his schooling will be too much. If the entire family is helping him then it won't be too much. Maybe, I'm being delusional in the fact that he can work 40 hours and have a full time class schedule. That is a lot...maybe it's too much to ask of him especially when he's already burned-out. 

I'm just trying to figure out what's best for our family and ultimately for Tim. Part of me wants to tell him to suck it up and move on. Start planning for the next phase of his life or work through this bump in the road--and move forward. That seems very cold and callous. I won't tell him that. Besides he really can't do anything at all until Monday. Monday can look into his many options available.