Once upon a time, I was an extremely happy person. Overly happy. Probably to a fault. To be honest, then, I really didn't have a lot to be happy about. I was a lonely teenager, who was so socially awkward that I would rather stay home on a Friday night and read a book than "go out." I always wore a smile on my face. Perhaps, I really wasn't happy merely pretending to be happy--to smile and hope that smile is contagious thus the smile would bounce back to me for my own few moments of happiness. I wish I could say that I outgrew that social awkwardness, but I didn't. I'm still that scared little girl who questions whether or not the person two tables away is "talking about me" or if someone is upset with me for not "helping" enough (I question this even if I arrive early to set up then stay late to clean up--above and beyond what is needed). Yes, I know how ridiculous it sounds. At one point in my life, I didn't care what others thought about me. I didn't judge others, nor did I want want others had. Somewhere along the way, that changed. I became this petty person who begs for attention like a two year old--a green person who longs for what others have even if it's not really what I want....just what I "think" I want at the moment. Basically, this sad pathetic existence.
Somehow, I need to figure out how to change my perspective on life. Change how I view others. I'm struggling with how to make these types of changes. It's not like I can wave my magical wand and Poof! I'm that great person I used to be. The more I think about it the more I think I need to take a step back to where I started to turn over to the green side. Where I fell off my sunny side of life to the dark barren wasteland. I believe I need to continue my journey back in time to find where and when I fell and didn't quite get back up. The scrapes and bruises are still there with the caked on mud that pulled me down. I need a shower. Does any one have any soap?
